The Hole in the Ozone is Diabolical
Who blew a hole in the World's North and South Pole's Ozone Layers? The theories are legion so one of my factual ones should add to the confusion or delusion. I have researched the Scientific Community in many areas and at various levels to see how this disaster will affect my Grandson or his progeny. I do not object if you want to quote me. I have had also some experience in being called an idiot or a dumb old fart in the recent past.

Flag of the Province of Alberta


Theory One. AKA the Big Blow Out.

Those that hang out in the Badlands of Alberta (Drumheller Museum area) put forward the Big Bang theory of a Meteorite slamming into the earth and causing the Dinosaurs to freeze to death. Well sir, old Jeddiah and his Missus Esmeraldy have lived in the Bad Lands forever and a month. They tell me in confidence, and I pass on in confidence, that the Dinosaurs did themselves in. Now this is pretty much a quote, in their dialect, which gives a graphic description and kind of earthy yarn for ladies who wear white gloves to church. These old Drumhellerites swear it's true. We couldn't find a Bible in the Pub for them to swear on so we used a dictionary and since neither of them can read, it served the purpose.

Jed's and Ese's explanation in their own words:

Well folks says Jed "Long ago, long time passing, we had the biggest chicken eggs you'd ever seed around here. There were huge critters livings in the ocean and along deh see shore. The trees was different and it were sunny and warm all deh year round. Now these animals lived the life of Reilly; just swimming, eating and laying eggs. This slack life caused them to be methane flatulent in the extreme (Esemeraldy and deh Scientists perfers to call the Methane Gas Farts, from her German ancestors meaning "Out".) Now you get a Brontosaurus farting, you better hope your up wind fer shure! If you ain't, it'll rip your duds right off your back and deh saddle off your hoss. If doze huge beast is plugged up wid stools well dat methane gas, it will keeps a building and a building. When the strain of deh over prissher is beyond control, dem eggs come flying out like cannon balls and deh stools like a rope, nothing like the horse or cow stools we know today. One rope stool was long enough to fertileyes forty acres and the velocity of one egg was measured at 4200 feet per second as it passed over Lloydminister."

Now Esmeraldy told me she figured this out for Japan's Dr. Sukiyaki one day, and he agrees with Chicken John, deh egg expert from deh Hutterite Colony. Deh deadly and explosive methane gas was produced in enormous amounts. It being lighter than air drifted up and up into the troposphere until one day a shooting star ignited the methane gas and a huge explosion took place and blew the collective asses off all deh earth's dinosaur critters.

If you prowl deh Bad Lands today you can still find deh bones and deh fossilized stool and even a few eggs but when that rope stool hit deh fan it was just chopped up and was like a Gatling gun firing across deh Ocean and deh beach. Narry a farting dinosaurs for true were left in Canada. All kilt whit a chunk of stool.

Cross my heart that's what they told me; two old farts to another old fart. You can see below that a Dino breaking wind can strip the hide right off you!

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Howling Wolves by Martin Heitshu

Theory Two: The Aboriginals Caused the Holes in the Ozone. AKA the Red Neck Theory.

Sitting around the fire one night, drinking and chatting with some old time friends, the subject of the Holes In the Ozone came up. The group was typically Canadian, every human creed, color and the shades in between. Out of the twelve friends there were twelve different backgrounds and, as always fourteen different opinions, mine being the only right one. Michael is an Aboriginal from Saskatchewan and had gone to a meeting in a Red neck town in central Alberta where one of their local scholars was giving a lecture on the Ozone.

Michael was surprised that his ancestors caused the Ozone holes. But here is a thumbnail of the lecture he attended by the central Alberta Ph.D. expert. (Ph.D. means "Post hole Digger" out on the Indian Reservation.)

According to the Redneck the early inhabitants of the Americas had many choices of food. There were Mastodons, Alligators, Camels, and Lamas etc. and diverse fish and fowl, but the biggest suppliers of them all were the huge migrating Plains buffalo herds. There were three basic types of buffalo, the Gigantic Bison, the Plains Bison of in between size, and the smaller Woodland bison. The aboriginals contributed to the demise of the Giant buffalo and the European immigrants slaughtered almost every Plains buffalo, but, finally, some Woodland buffalo were saved here in Canada. Michael agrees this is historically and basically true, as do I.

Now Rednecks have to have someone else to blame for their own failures. They are bullies and look for the most defenseless groups to attack. They often chose religion, color or creed as targets, but no group is immune. Their method is to feed you a series of truths with you nodding your head "Yes, Yes your right." Once you're going along with them, they jerk the hook, baited with a bald faced lie and reel you in, if you're not sharp.

On went the Redneckess with her theory (yes a she) She explained how the early North Americans became dependent on the Woodland and Plains buffalo and in fact became almost totally dependent on them on the great plains. Most of the Woodland buffalo along the seaboards were wiped out early by the local natives and new white arrivals.

Conditions were harsh and until the horse was re-introduced to North America, the Natives hardly put a dent in any herd. The great difficulty for a Nomad is transportation of goods and protection of the caravan as they follow the herd. Over thousands of years the development of basic survival gear progressed to the Teepee and a few other items that could be carried as human cargo. When a buffalo kill was made every edible part was consumed out of necessity. Other inedible-eatable parts were used to ensure survival. Sinew for bows, rope and thread. Bone for lance points, needles, fish hooks. Horn for ladles, spoons and other utensils and storage containers. Every bit made sense but here is the clangor.

"Redneckess" said " The natives claim of total use of all the buffalo is bogus. They never captured the buffalo generated methane gas and used it to heat their teepee or cook their food! Because the Natives became so dependent on the buffalo the herds were always under attack and their stomachs were in a nervous turmoil. These millions of animals, when put to a run, would expel vast amounts of Methane gas which rose to the heavens and the buffalo in effect farted the holes in the sky all because the Indians chased them for food."

Well friends, our little group laughed so hard at Michael's tale I am afraid we added a lot of our methane to the Ozone that night! We think this theory is a crock of buffalo chips.


Flag of Province of Quebec
The Minute Waltz Theory: AKA the Francophone Theory.

Marcel, one of our gang, had ancestors that were Quebec Voyageurs during the years of the Fur Trade. His great great grandfather lived to a very ripe old age. Marcel said, "the old man told him and his siblings of how the Ozone holes were caused by one single French man all alone."

According to Marcel's Great Grand Pere, in the late 1800s, in Paris, the greatest actors in the world were hired to amuse the gentry who flocked there for the French culture. Sarah Bernhart from the USA was in one of the two most popular shows in gay Paris. The second most popular, but with a equal number of patrons, was" The Fart." This young man had a weird secret diet that caused a huge build up of gas in his intestines about one hour after dining. The grand theater would be full, the lights would dim and "The Fart" would come on stage to great applause and, after bowing, would start to perform (for real) for up to 35 minutes. The Fart had taken over extraordinary control of his sphincter muscle and using the methane gas stored in his stomach (not unlike the bagpipes) commenced to play the latest tunes requested by the audience.

He and Sarah shared the top billing for months. The Fart was the talk of the town until...according to Marcel's Great, Great Grand Father, a veiled woman in the audience (many believe it was jealous Sarah in disguise) requested "The Minute Waltz." Well Marcel had never practiced it even once, but with a Vive la France he started. Thinking he was falling behind and would go over the allotted minute, he tighten up his 'Abs" and the gas was just pouring out and the song was getting a standing ovation even by the 40-second mark.

Some thing went wrong! All they know is The Fart went flying around the theater like a loose balloon; he went through a skylight and out of sight. As every one watched the heavens he climbed ever upward till there was a tremendous flash in the sky over Paris and the Ozone had two holes in it. In French they are called the North Fart and the South Fart. The one in the North looks like a dipper and the one in the South looks like a cross.

I will not gainsay this story, but "The Fart" did exist and was Sarah Bernhart's chief rival. He was farting out songs in the great days of French Culture. It certainly shows that one should quit farting around and be on time, because we may only have a minute to spare!


Great Britain

The Royal Family's Contribution to the Ozone: AKA The Sauerkraut Theory.

With my old Campanaro Marcel having laid the blame on the French Fart, our UK pal Nigel was not about to let the side down, so he claimed the Ozone for dreary old England's Royal family. He claims the Royals are a bunch of horse's asses and so are naturals for the title. But it was King George III who took control of the Ozone for our Britannic Majesties.

According to Nigel's schoolmaster, the inheritance of the throne got muddied along the line and the Brits brought in a German relative from Hannover (Province of Germany). It was said our good George III of Hannover was a few castles short of a kingdom in the clues department. His Highness held huge dinners for the gentry every night with lots of sauerkraut, Brussel's sprouts, lentils and beans, plus other, more English, dietary gas producers. When the dinner was over and the Port wine had gone around the table two or three times, it was time for the evening entertainment. Starting on the right of the King, and in turn, each guest had to let out the loudest FART they could. This was great amusement for both the King and guest. There was stupendous enthusiasm for this Royal Sport and there were three competitive rounds at the table and then the King honored the best male and female farters each a commemorative silver chalice. To this day if a polite Englander breaks wind he/she always says "Long live the King." or sings the first verse and chorus of "Britannia Rules the Waves."

According to Nigel, every schoolboy or schoolgirl knows that the Ozone holes are Royal holes because when "four and 20 Farts are let before the King!" it automatically becomes an English sacred tradition.


Solar by Martin Heitshu Showing the North Hole.




The Canadian Theory.

My family has never hungered for fame, but we have our fair share of flatulence and we believe in always telling the truth. We hide nothing. Whenever someone in my family breaks wind, the "farter" is expected to warn others with a loud "Catch that, turn it inside out and sew a red button on it!" It is believed that our Canadian farts do little or no harm to the ozone (or to friends or family, if they are warned and trained in safety procedures in a confined space). But the red button gives a fair warning when a silent one is drifting in your direction. That's where our "Canadian question" Eh? comes from..." Eh! Is that your red button?" "Another red button eh? "Did you die eh?" What's that running out of your pant leg AAAGH!!!



The USA Hot Dog Theory

My Yankees cousins accept no blame for the holes in the Ozone because they recycle their methane gas.

According to Peggy Sue, who is married to her cousin Billy Joe, when a man drops a stinker in bed he grabs the covers and pulls them over the wife's head. Holding her down and the covers tight over her, she recycles the gas and is proud to help save the nation. Those who have husbands that drink copious amounts of beer and eat pickled eggs, well, their wives are honored in the Tennessee Trailer Parks near to the equivalent of The Daughters of the American Revolution.


The Flag of Acadia. - Ancient part of Canada, before the Cajun removal to Louisiana
The Real Canadian/USA Softwood Theory. AKA The Cajuns shipped to Louisiana agree the Softwood Theory is another Crock of............

If Jambalaya, Softwood Tariffs, Crawfish Pie and Billy Gumbo don't give you gas, then there are no holes in the Troposphere. It's just another Yankee plot of a diabolical nature that President George W. Bush has put together to get our oil and GAS!

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Medically speaking, without gas production and release you would die. So fart yourself to a healthy life style. If it is good enough for Queen Elizabeth and Phil the Greek (AKA Prince Philip) to pass on the Crowns jewels to Charles and Camilla, may they long reign over us with gas galore, it's should be good enough for all the colonies. Farting is elementary my dear Watson!



Jack C. Downey CD
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