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The Galloping Geezer

Jack Downey Comments on Canadian Issues

Jack Downey ~ The Galloping Geezer
Photo by Julie Ann Biggs



The Origin of Christmas Balls ...a pre Xmas yarn.

Memo November 6, 1771 Business is Business
From: Jacob Marley Esq. Sr. Partner.
To: Ebenezzer Scrooge Esq. Jr. Partner.
CC: Bob Cratchet. Chief Clerk.


Subject: Christmas Candles and Decoration FIRE Safety

There has been a noticeable drop in profit over the Christmas - New Year period for the last four years. The sale of tree candles and paper decorations seem to be causing concerns of fire in the households that are decorating trees in their parlours. The Lord Mayor has made a speech asking the gentry to cease using candles and flammable decorations. Those that continue to do so cannot expect the Fire Brigade to respond promptly to residential fires during the 12 days of Christmas. Since Scrooge and Marley Inc. is primarily a Tallow and Beeswax supplier to the Candle makers of London we must find a way of increasing our wax sales or find additional products to improve our profits during this festive period. On Friday November 9th 1771 there will be a meeting at 9:30 in the forenoon in my office to discuss this matter. I am open to all suggestions pertaining to increasing our profits and or expanding our inventory items if need be.

Memo November 8, 1771
From: Ebenezzer Scrooge Esq. Jr. Partner.
To: Jacob Marley Esq. Sr. Partner.
CC: Bob Cratchet. Chief Clerk.

Regarding our meeting in the forenoon tomorrow, we should also be prepared to discuss the cost of heating the office as well as our extravagant practice of closing on the 25th of December. We are already closing the 52 Sundays of the year as ordered in the Bible. Nowhere can I find in scripture any other directions that change "Six days thou shalt labor and on the seventh day though shalt rest." Unless we can find a method of increasing our profit margin tomorrow we must stop this frivolous practice of closing on Christmas unless it falls on a Sunday.

Minutes of the Meeting November 9th 1771
Present: Jacob Marley, Sr. Partner
Ebbenezzer Scrooge Jr. Partner.
Bob Cratchet. Chief Clerk.

The meeting was brought to order by Mr. J. Marley at 9.30 a.m.

Mr. B. Crtachet presented the percentile loss of sales for tallow and bees wax Christmas candles over the last four years in the city of London. The year 1767 was used as the average year for Christmas sales and it was apparent that sales dropped by 18.5 % per year from 1768 to 1771. Further loss was incurred by a Christmas sale from November 15th to December 25th. In each of these years a reduction of one half penny per unit was thought to be unsuccessful in increasing sales and there would, therefore, be no sale price reduction for this year.

Discussion: Mr. Marley.
  • We must demand further cost reductions from our suppliers of Tallow and Bees wax.
  • Other Candle Makers Suppliers and we must approach the Lord Mayor and get him to rescind his speech regarding fire danger using candles on Christmas trees. This is a tradition and a few careless families being burned a live in their beds is an acceptable risk.
  • We might consider adding Holly and Mistletoe to our Christmas inventory.


Discussion: Mr. E. Scrooge.
  • Before we talk about product costs let us resolve the high cost of Office heat. Coal costs almost a Shilling a hundred weight and our staff is squandering it. As of today each staff member will bring daily from their home a scuttle full of coal for office heat. It has been found that were they at home rather than working they would use this much coal to heat their residences over the 14 hours they are working here. Motion Passed.
  • Adding Holly and Mistletoe to our inventory is a good strategic plan. Bob Cratchet is to write a song as advertisement along these lines " Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly." The words and music will be on my desk by Saturday next. A rumour is to be started that any woman standing under a sprig of mistletoe can be kissed wit out penalty during the festive season. Bob make it happen. Motion Passed
  • Candles and Christmas go together as it is the festival of light. People that are burned in their beds are probably heathens and we should not be concerned with their welfare. Our advertisements should let people know that if no candles are on their tree the coming year will be most unlucky for them and they will be struck down with the Black Plague. Motion Passed.


Information provided by Mr. Bob Cratchet.
  • The Jr. Clerk, Tiny Tim, has researched the history of decorated festival greenery placed in residences for religious celebrations. Two items we could add to our inventory are possibly:
  • cookies that are shaped like animals with a string loop to hang on the branch tips or strung on chains. This is a Persian custom.
  • In the Ancient Egyptian custom of greeting the rising and flooding of the Nile, which takes place at this time each year, the woman brings in Date Palm fronds to placate all Gods of growing things, like Bacchus for wine grapes. The men castrate the animals and hang the iridescent testicles on the fronds to placate the Gods of all animals. This assures them of a good crop and a large increase of the herds. If Scrooge and Marley were to have the glass blowers make fancy glass pseudo testicles to hang on the tree we would have a product that would soon grow into a huge profit making festive venture.


Mr. Marley: BALLS?
Mr. Scrooge: Humbug!

Cookies Passed, Balls DEFEATED

Meeting Adjourned. 1015 a.m.

Historical Results
Tiny Tim quit Scrooge and Marley's and opened his own glass blowing factory to produce Christmas Tree Balls, which are in fact the modern day replicas of animal testicles. It was a great success and the ladies hanging these decorative balls, even today, are sometimes heard to say, "here's one for Jack and one for Bill and Oh one for Ray too " and so on, until all the balls are hung.

And that is why the lady Angel tops the tree, i.e. you do not need balls to get to the top, but it helps! Scrooge and Marley had no balls and the Angel of Christmas Past and Tiny Tim told them so.

The Cookies are left for Santa and the Balls are from the tame Reindeer (Sym ball icly.) Trala la la la la. Off Dancer...off Blitzen, Donner and Rudolph ~ Keep the sleigh moving with your very bright light, you ,and you only, Rudolph have the "generators" left to bring us the bright Christmas light.

Jack C. Downey CD
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