In the Interest of Harmony

Dear readers, I have been following your replies to me on canadianculture.com

I agree that we need more harmony in our great land. In that very spirit, we here in Alberta made an attempt recently to include an Central Canadian brother into our Indian Summer Community celebration. He seemed like a nice enough chap, but I am sad to report that he passed on to the Big Bunkhouse in the sky right in the middle of the festivities. Digger O’Dell, the friendly undertaker, found these notes in his pocket when they were laying out the body for shipment back to Toronto.

The notes just go to show how little we know of the inability of Easterners to fit in out here it the West. I, personally, have never heard of a Westerner having any problem with the Central Sugaring Off celebrations, so we are at a loss to understand their problem with our Beer and Chili feast. Old Doc Cooper did the autopsy and concluded that Frank died of FRESH AIR inhalation. Next time, we’ll have an emergency tank of Carbon Monoxide handy to revive any eastern guests that drop by. Doc Cooper said that Frank could have been saved had they used a CO tank and got him to the hospital for intravenus Maple Syrup.

I’d be obliged if you would pass this medical procedure on to your friends it may help to save our country.

Subject: Eating Alberta Campfire Chili. Franks Diary 3-Nov-01: (Notes Concerning an Chili Taster Named Frank, a Central Canadian who died while he was recently visiting Alberta from Ontario:)

Dear Diary

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Alberta. I was asked to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Albertans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event.....

Chili # 1: Charlie Nagy’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy hell, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Westerners are crazy.

Chili # 2: Dr. Steve's Harley Davidsons' Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Brock's Famous BMW Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the CEMS, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting hammered in both senses.

Chili # 4: Petie Browns' Jackson Valley Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the 300 lb. barmaid, is standing behind me with fresh refills. She is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Newfie June Coopers Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded Cod could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really chokes me that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Grama Verna's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice, pumpkin and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb on carrot cake.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally I need to wipe my lips with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Kootoney Kate’s' Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a darn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. . At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Out of my way, I'm not getting any oxygen. I need air; I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Griff Lloyds' Geological Camp Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it..........

Diary Signed and Notarized by the great Greek poet:
Anonymous

Jack C. Downey CD
Send comments to: Jack

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