From time to time people must read about the Calgary Stampede and wonder how a city can go completely mad. Even Calgarians talk changes during Stampede. I suspect that, with the demise of the Eaton's catalogue, those in The Last Best West are recycling used PC paper (thereby continuing a modern form of the long standing western tradition of using Eastern catalogues to learn to read and develop a broader vocabulary). But to be read in the Outhouse is better than not to be read at all.

Recently, I had a fine Western Filly take me to task on my put down of Cowboys and the Stampede. She had been reading in the ladies' side of the second floor outhouse at Heritage Park and wanted to stand up and be counted, which is her right, albeit not too circumspect a one in an Outhouse with her un-mentionables down around her ankles. Nevertheless, I feel obliged to list the points she made in defense of Cowboys, if only so that she may leave the Outhouse and rejoins kith and kin around the family hearth. They're all awaiting Papa on the Banjo, Aunty on the Autoharp, Grampa singing Bass and little sister and brother getting right in there with that great western ditty by Sister Maybell Carter "Will The Circle Be Unbroken." My, that scene would make a hog weep while waiting to be slaughtered.

"Gee Geeze, I do declare, the one thing you might keep in mind during Stampede is that Westerners consider the first name of a person to be a friendly gesture. It harks back to the pioneering days in the West when any stranger was welcome and they all depended on each other, in many cases for their very survival."

Looking through the half moon cut in the Backhouse door, down East, I often saw a Western Epic called "Gun Smoke" on the TV set by our mansion's back door. As memory serves me they were ever so polite. Almost every one called the Sheriff "Marshal Dillion", even his Deputy, Chester or Fester (I disremember which). The Doctor was called "Doc." and the Banker and Lawyer called "Mr.". Even the Madam of the local Hooker Haven was "Miss Kitty" to every one including Marshal Dillion. Miss Kitty, however risked the survival of her Cathouse by calling the Marshal "Matt." He and every one else in town must have either figured the Cat House was needed for survival, or were looking for a discount, for they used the formal Eastern salutation of "Miss" Kitty to address the quintessential western whore with a heart of gold.

Deputy Fester did not have much going for him, as every one just called him "Fester." If informality would have earned them a discount on either booze or a trick with the Li'le Darlings at the Saloon, they might have called "Miss" Kitty "Kitty Cat" or just "Kitty", but no, they were true "Sons of the Pioneers" and so decided to pay their way and not depend on Miss Kitty's largess. Why, I'll bet that no one in that town would have taken a government Unemployment cheque. They just mooched around shooting bad guys (a.k.a. Easterners and Sheep Herders) and hanging out in the Saloon throwing back shooters of Sasparillas or up at the Boot Hill Mall with the Misuses with nary a care in the world. I suspect they didn't have much time for pioneering, figuring, and rightly so, that the new Eastern immigrants would clean up the mess.

Westerners consider Mr. Mrs. Ms. to be stuffy and unfriendly during Stampede. Why folks, bully for us! You got the point exactly! We Easterners learned that this "Joe/Joan Friendly" stuff just doesn't wash, even with Gramma Walton's lye soap. Every politician in the east or west (and I've met plenty) wants to be on a first name basis at the very first meeting. Do you Westerners trust your politicians? I wouldn't want any of them sitting next to me in a two hole, second story Backhouse. Once they got started, things could overflow.

How about the Lone Ranger, eh? Even his faithful Indian Scout, Tonto, when told to do something has to say "yes Kemo Sabe" (translated it means "Yes SIR I understand). Do you trust a man in a mask with two pistols running amuck in your towns? Down East he'd be in the slammer, where the guards are called "Mr. or Boss."

So Little Filly, up with your knickers, and get to the fire, they're about to start on your favorite western song "Round and Round Old Joe Clark" next is my fav. "Boil That Chittle'n Down". "See you next week in the Outhouse to read about Klondike Days in Edmonton. There they're all '49ers!

Now we've got the language down and have acquired the requisite big Stetson and blue jeans, we're headed for the Calgary Stampede, where there are square dancing in the streets and pancake breakfasts and every one talks funny. If you miss the Stampede, the rest of the year in Calgary is dull as dishwater.... So you all come to see us if you can! It helps to bring lots of money, but there are freebies well worth seeing.

Calgary's Heritage Park has a TWO STORY OUTHOUSE at the Wainwright hotel give it a try, it's the last one in the world!



Signed; the Galloping Geezer
Jack C. Downey CD
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