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The Galloping Geezer
~ Jack Downey Comments on Canadian Issues
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Photo by Julie Ann Biggs |
www.G-d Has A Special Place@Cyber Space for Old Geezers and Geezerettes.com
There is a place in Cyberspace for Geezers and Geezerettes
Hands up all those who have never seen a person on the Geezer Pension who is bright, alert,
busy, and Computer literate. Hands up all those who have seen people on the Geezer Pension sitting and
staring off into the past who, when spoken to, are as dumb as a box of Fruit Loops. Hands up all those
who want their Geezer family members to move out of the Fruit Loops and away from the blank stare?
OK put your hands down.
This change can be brough about with a little help and encouragement from Non-Geezer family members.
Geezerisim is supposed to be fun. You're retired, reasonably healthy, and have time to read, travel,
lie in the Sun, and gracefully enjoy your sunset years. Well don't eat that, Elmer.
Horse Apples have a lot of fiber, but you'll end up Fruit Looped!
Here is the Galloping Geezer's, strings attached and not exactly
free of charge, but definitely road apple free, method of rehabilitating the Fruit Loopers.
I'm talking about buying them a ticket to Cyberspace.
1. An investment of about $2000.00 will get you a complete, reasonably current and powerful,
Personal Computer (PC for short) system. There is an additional monthly charge in the range of $25 to have
access to the internet through your telephone line (more if you require high speed or cable access).
The best way to handle this may be to tell your family you want
your own PC for Father's/Mother's Day, Birthday or TODAY and that they are buying it.
They can have it back when you croak, so it's only on loan for twenty or thirty years. Better yet,
take the money out of their inheritance and leave them an IOU for the PC.
You can start with your regular telephone line. Then, if you find that friends or relatives (who you actually
want to talk to) are never
getting through, you may want to have a second phone line installed. This setup will give you access to
the World (through the World Wide Web - www for short) in the blink of an eye.
You can send and receive photos, harass politicians, write to friends, do your family tree,
never buy another Greeting card (you can make your own),do your banking, pay bills, and
receive and send a million jokes, all without Canada Post's stamps or delays or forgetting the
punch line. Your computer will spell and correct grammar, allow you to use any style of lettering
(called Fonts) including "Longhand" (remember that word from schooldays?), and allow insertion of pictures
and drawings. You can play cards with
people in Johanesburg, South Africa or Pump Handle, Saskatchewan. You are the Master or Mistress of your
own Universe in Cyber Space, all for the cost of air fare to some crummy resort where you can't
drink the water and the food is not much better than at your local Geezer centre. Plus the Sun's too hot and
the Showers too cold.
Once you are online (hooked up to the Internet via the monthly fee mentioned above), there are no
additional costs to send and receive as much or as little information as you like.
Even a very long letter to a "Geezer Penguin" in Antarctica is free. Imagine if you can,
having a picture of you on your Harley roaring through the halls at the Geezer centre taken on a camera
with no film (a "digital camera" suited to the purpose may be acquired for around $200). You can send it
instantly to your ex lover (remember that Summo Wrestler you had
'the warms' for in Japan) or to your children (to remind them that you're not quite dead yet)!
If you want to send a lot of pictures, you may want to get high speed access. After all, we
Geezers do not have the time to wait three minutes to down load (display) a picture of
some old friend who has just married a 25 year old!
2. All Geezers love bargains. Here's a darling. Form a committee (some times called a Mutiny)
at your Geezer centre and have the management install online PCs in the Common Areas, it's a business
write off for them. G-d knows they charge you enough, let's get our Cyberspace PERK out of them.
If you or the Geezer centre are buying the Gear, make sure that it is current techmology and that virus
scanning software is in place (yes computers can contract, and even "die" from, these harmful programs
that are often attached to malicious email - NOTE: NEVER OPEN A FILE ATTACHED TO AN EMAIL NOTE UNLESS
YOU ARE EXPECTING SAME ATTACHMENT, ESPECIALLY NOT IF THE NAME OF THE FILE ENDS IN .exe).
3. Now that we have the gear (the Non-Geezers call it 'hardware'), we'll need to learn to use it?
Here are some suggestions:
- Join a PC course at a Geezer Centre or Club.
- Ask local High Schools/Community Colleges to provide volunteer students to teach on a one on one
or a one on three basis (no more). You might make a lovely young friend. Believe me THEY will learn
a lot from you too!
- Ask your Grandchildren to show you how to play their Game Boy or Play Station. Although not
really a PC, once you get into it you'll whip their butts (figuratively speaking) and want the management
to provide them in the common area (tax write off) too. When the young Geezers visit you'll both have a
Geezer BLAST together! Soon you'll have no fear of any computer and the Grandchildren will tell their
entire friend group that their "Grandgeezer is really awesome!"
- If you're really stuck, ask one of your Non Geezer relatives to help teach you. It is recommended
that you not learn from a spouse (at least not if you want to stay married).
- Contact Telus. They have a retired group (all Geezers) that repairs and rebuilds
PC as a hobby. Telus (and the cable company too) are High Speed providers and want your Geezer
money for telephones and TV and now the High Speed Internet. We want something back (after all Geezers
weren't born yesterday.)
Go after them to provide a discount rate to Geezers. With the introduction of the Pentium IV, many
businesses (Nova, Petrocan, Shell and others) will have perfectly good superfluous Pentium IIIs to
donate to Geezers, plus they will provide volunteer teachers to help us learn. Use you Geezer power and get
out of that wheel chair. Jesus didn't get anything done
sitting on his Donkey, nor will you
- Strange as it may seem, PCs are mentally therapeutic and may save a lot of our Health Care dollars
normally spent on pills and physiotherapy and may delay the onset of a major cause
of Geezer problems - Senility (or the Fruit Loop syndrome), thereby reducing strain on the family as well.
Lobby your Minister of Health to have PCs for Geezers covered under Health Care.
All Old Geezers, Non-Geezers, and Young Geezers take this information to heart and pass it on to others.
Although we may have bladder problems and recount the same stories over and over, Geezers are important and
unique.
Just remember that we changed your diaper and listened to you complain about your job,
spouse or what ever, over and over again. We are all in G-d's Cyber Space together so let's take the
rest of the journey hand in hand. If Grama or Grampa is in the Geezer centre you can visit them every
day via e-mail. The way to a Geezers heart (and inheritance) is to talk to them; they have a lot to
teach you in return, if only you'll take that Walkman out of your ear.
I ran this Therapy idea by Dr. Steve (Non-Geezer, but pushing hard towards full Geezerhood.) Not only did
he agree, he recounted this affirming yarn. " Jack, my good friend bought a PC for his EIGHTY YEAR OLD
Dad for his birthday. His Dad loves it and is just going UNCRAZY with it."
The way technology is going, you will soon be able to send cards and letters to the departed and HAVE
THEM ANSWER if they know how to use a PC to send an A-mail (Angel Mail).
If you want further information or help to find contacts etc. e-mail me, but quickly, because the
Galloping Geezer's time is running out too.
The Galloping Geezer
www.canadianculture.com
Signed; the Galloping Geezer
Jack C. Downey CD
Send comments to: Jack
Thanks for your help
best regards
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