Visit Canadian Culture  






The Galloping Geezer

The Galloping Geezer
~ Jack Downey Comments on Canadian Issues

Jack Downey ~ The Galloping Geezer
Photo by Julie Ann Biggs

www.G-d Has A Special Place@Cyber Space for Old Geezers and Geezerettes.com


There is a place in Cyberspace for Geezers and Geezerettes

Hands up all those who have never seen a person on the Geezer Pension who is bright, alert, busy, and Computer literate. Hands up all those who have seen people on the Geezer Pension sitting and staring off into the past who, when spoken to, are as dumb as a box of Fruit Loops. Hands up all those who want their Geezer family members to move out of the Fruit Loops and away from the blank stare? OK put your hands down.

This change can be brough about with a little help and encouragement from Non-Geezer family members. Geezerisim is supposed to be fun. You're retired, reasonably healthy, and have time to read, travel, lie in the Sun, and gracefully enjoy your sunset years. Well don't eat that, Elmer. Horse Apples have a lot of fiber, but you'll end up Fruit Looped!

Here is the Galloping Geezer's, strings attached and not exactly free of charge, but definitely road apple free, method of rehabilitating the Fruit Loopers. I'm talking about buying them a ticket to Cyberspace.

1. An investment of about $2000.00 will get you a complete, reasonably current and powerful, Personal Computer (PC for short) system. There is an additional monthly charge in the range of $25 to have access to the internet through your telephone line (more if you require high speed or cable access). The best way to handle this may be to tell your family you want your own PC for Father's/Mother's Day, Birthday or TODAY and that they are buying it. They can have it back when you croak, so it's only on loan for twenty or thirty years. Better yet, take the money out of their inheritance and leave them an IOU for the PC.

You can start with your regular telephone line. Then, if you find that friends or relatives (who you actually want to talk to) are never getting through, you may want to have a second phone line installed. This setup will give you access to the World (through the World Wide Web - www for short) in the blink of an eye. You can send and receive photos, harass politicians, write to friends, do your family tree, never buy another Greeting card (you can make your own),do your banking, pay bills, and receive and send a million jokes, all without Canada Post's stamps or delays or forgetting the punch line. Your computer will spell and correct grammar, allow you to use any style of lettering (called Fonts) including "Longhand" (remember that word from schooldays?), and allow insertion of pictures and drawings. You can play cards with people in Johanesburg, South Africa or Pump Handle, Saskatchewan. You are the Master or Mistress of your own Universe in Cyber Space, all for the cost of air fare to some crummy resort where you can't drink the water and the food is not much better than at your local Geezer centre. Plus the Sun's too hot and the Showers too cold.

Once you are online (hooked up to the Internet via the monthly fee mentioned above), there are no additional costs to send and receive as much or as little information as you like. Even a very long letter to a "Geezer Penguin" in Antarctica is free. Imagine if you can, having a picture of you on your Harley roaring through the halls at the Geezer centre taken on a camera with no film (a "digital camera" suited to the purpose may be acquired for around $200). You can send it instantly to your ex lover (remember that Summo Wrestler you had 'the warms' for in Japan) or to your children (to remind them that you're not quite dead yet)! If you want to send a lot of pictures, you may want to get high speed access. After all, we Geezers do not have the time to wait three minutes to down load (display) a picture of some old friend who has just married a 25 year old!

2. All Geezers love bargains. Here's a darling. Form a committee (some times called a Mutiny) at your Geezer centre and have the management install online PCs in the Common Areas, it's a business write off for them. G-d knows they charge you enough, let's get our Cyberspace PERK out of them. If you or the Geezer centre are buying the Gear, make sure that it is current techmology and that virus scanning software is in place (yes computers can contract, and even "die" from, these harmful programs that are often attached to malicious email - NOTE: NEVER OPEN A FILE ATTACHED TO AN EMAIL NOTE UNLESS YOU ARE EXPECTING SAME ATTACHMENT, ESPECIALLY NOT IF THE NAME OF THE FILE ENDS IN .exe).

3. Now that we have the gear (the Non-Geezers call it 'hardware'), we'll need to learn to use it?
Here are some suggestions:
  • Join a PC course at a Geezer Centre or Club.
  • Ask local High Schools/Community Colleges to provide volunteer students to teach on a one on one or a one on three basis (no more). You might make a lovely young friend. Believe me THEY will learn a lot from you too!
  • Ask your Grandchildren to show you how to play their Game Boy or Play Station. Although not really a PC, once you get into it you'll whip their butts (figuratively speaking) and want the management to provide them in the common area (tax write off) too. When the young Geezers visit you'll both have a Geezer BLAST together! Soon you'll have no fear of any computer and the Grandchildren will tell their entire friend group that their "Grandgeezer is really awesome!"
  • If you're really stuck, ask one of your Non Geezer relatives to help teach you. It is recommended that you not learn from a spouse (at least not if you want to stay married).
  • Contact Telus. They have a retired group (all Geezers) that repairs and rebuilds PC as a hobby. Telus (and the cable company too) are High Speed providers and want your Geezer money for telephones and TV and now the High Speed Internet. We want something back (after all Geezers weren't born yesterday.) Go after them to provide a discount rate to Geezers. With the introduction of the Pentium IV, many businesses (Nova, Petrocan, Shell and others) will have perfectly good superfluous Pentium IIIs to donate to Geezers, plus they will provide volunteer teachers to help us learn. Use you Geezer power and get out of that wheel chair. Jesus didn't get anything done sitting on his Donkey, nor will you
  • Strange as it may seem, PCs are mentally therapeutic and may save a lot of our Health Care dollars normally spent on pills and physiotherapy and may delay the onset of a major cause of Geezer problems - Senility (or the Fruit Loop syndrome), thereby reducing strain on the family as well. Lobby your Minister of Health to have PCs for Geezers covered under Health Care.
All Old Geezers, Non-Geezers, and Young Geezers take this information to heart and pass it on to others. Although we may have bladder problems and recount the same stories over and over, Geezers are important and unique. Just remember that we changed your diaper and listened to you complain about your job, spouse or what ever, over and over again. We are all in G-d's Cyber Space together so let's take the rest of the journey hand in hand. If Grama or Grampa is in the Geezer centre you can visit them every day via e-mail. The way to a Geezers heart (and inheritance) is to talk to them; they have a lot to teach you in return, if only you'll take that Walkman out of your ear.

I ran this Therapy idea by Dr. Steve (Non-Geezer, but pushing hard towards full Geezerhood.) Not only did he agree, he recounted this affirming yarn. " Jack, my good friend bought a PC for his EIGHTY YEAR OLD Dad for his birthday. His Dad loves it and is just going UNCRAZY with it."

The way technology is going, you will soon be able to send cards and letters to the departed and HAVE THEM ANSWER if they know how to use a PC to send an A-mail (Angel Mail).

If you want further information or help to find contacts etc. e-mail me, but quickly, because the Galloping Geezer's time is running out too.

The Galloping Geezer www.canadianculture.com

Signed; the Galloping Geezer

Jack C. Downey CD
Send comments to: Jack




Thanks for your help
best regards
www.CanadianCulture.com



Get Involved!
Your Ideas are Important!

Content is contributed by various Canadians and does not necessarily reflect the views of canadianculture.com.





 
 


Print this pageSend to a friend


Jack's Previous Issues

click here

• -

- - - - - - - - Home |
Resources | Daily Comics | Horoscopes | News | - -  | Contact US |



Views or opinions found on, or linked to from, the www.canadianculture.com web pages
do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of Canadian Culture and staff at Sun Coast Designs.

The Merchants, classifieds and/or advertisements listed on Canadian Culture's website operate independently from Canadian Culture,
and Canadian Culture does not endorse any merchant, classified or advertisement or assume responsibility for transactions conducted with them.


PC Drummer - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Canadian Culture Copyright © 1997 - 2019 All rights reserved.
See our ( Disclaimer & Privacy Policy )
Developed by Sun Coast Designs