Micheline's Put-in
 
Blessed by the Christmas angel…
Christmas in Montreal
I would like to think that December is my favorite month. It's that time where we are getting ready for the holidays. Though many of us are tired from the preparations, the parties, the gift buying, there appears to be something in the air that gives me that extra skip in my step. Never fails, year after year, from mid December, right up to New Years Eve, I feel touched by this spirit that seems to open my heart. This year however, is extra special.
I debated whether or not I should share this part of me. Then it dawned on me that my articles so far have always come from the heart. I have always expressed myself honestly and passionately about the issues I felt needed to be addressed at the time that I wrote them. Therefore, this should not be any different….
I suffer from the disease of addiction. I had been active in my addiction for approximately 24 years until one day, on April 7th of the year 2002, I decided to get clean and begin to recover from my disease. Please note that my interest here is not to share my "war" stories or to lecture on addictive behavior. This is more about my experience and the gratitude I'm now feeling….
Ever since I was a little girl, I loved Christmas time. As French Canadians, my family celebrated this religious holiday in good fashion. Lots of food: Ragout (pork stew which is comprised of pork feet and pork meat balls); Tourtière (more pork meat - though traditionally, it's made up of various wild game); Turkey (I think we took that from the English) and lots and lots of booze. Music in my family has always been quite popular. My father would take out the guitar and my eight siblings and I would sit around and sing Christmas carols.
Christmas was also the time to visit various family members, friends and neighbors. Everyone loved everyone. The abundant snow usually made this holiday that much more beautiful.
When I was a little girl, my parents would wait until Christmas Eve before putting up the tree. We would be sent to bed at around 8 o'clock (following the CBC radio special about Santa sightings) at which time I would literally begin counting the seconds to midnight (never made it by the way - though I would ALWAYS be the last to fall asleep). At this time the adults would scurry around, get the tree, and begin decorating. One particular year I got a peak at the tree before they were done. I recall these bright blue and green lights. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen; all I could see were the lights covering this tree form.
Once everything was in place and the presents were under the tree, the kids were awakened (ideally at around midnight). We would race towards the living room where before us stood a beautifully decorated tree and many, many gifts. In no time the ripping began. I can still hear the laughter coming from the adults, amused by the fact that we could not get to our gifts fast enough. As the presents were being unveiled, one could hear a cacophony of: "Look what I got! Oh thanks mom! Aren't they adorable? Look at her face! Santa answered my mail! That's exactly what I wanted!…". These were the earlier years.
As I got a little older, I was able to participate in more of the religious traditions. It was a rule in our house that after we had first communion (at the age of 7), we were permitted to go to midnight mass. This meant being woken up earlier. The mass was at 11:30pm. The year I was old enough to go I had difficulty appreciating the experience. Though I was excited to be there because one of my sisters was singing in the choir, I couldn't enjoy it due to the fact that I felt nauseous because I had had only one hour sleep (still trying to count my way to the time I was suppose to get up). Following the mass, we would go home and wake up the younger kids and do the unwrapping of the gifts.
When all was unwrapped and everyone seemed pleased, it was time for the réveillon…the feast. It would be around this time where my father would sing "Minuit Chétien" (Oh. Holy night). Everyone would sit quietly. I can still remember how my heart expanded as I let the sound of his deep voice take me away.
The festivities would last until the wee hours of the morning. Similar scenes would repeat themselves, year after year: My mother would be dancing and a cousin would be telling jokes, some of sisters
would be singing while some of the kids would be trying their new games. I always felt like I was on the outside looking and that was ok. It brought me joy even though I often would not be participating directly. The feeling I would get that night and the days leading up to that night was simply magical. It wasn't about the gifts but about all the people and the joy that surrounded our traditions.
I succeeded in enjoying many of those nights until my disease began to truly set in (at approximately the age of 14). It would seem that these incredible feelings were being dulled by whatever I chose to mask them with. At the time it was alcohol. Basically, I was no longer capable of processing these or any type of feelings and hence the disease began to take over…and gone in part were those magical Christmas seasons.
This year, for the first time in over 25 years, I am not only able to feel these magical feelings again in full force, I'm also capable of processing them and share them with you. What a gift!
I walk down the streets and see the lights downtown, hear the carolers, smell the fresh crisp winter air and enjoy every second of it. I even went Christmas shopping which I haven't done (at least with feeling) in quite a long time. And the interesting thing is that I have not attended one party and yet I feel more festive than ever (another gift). My fiancé and I are preparing this amazing feast on Christmas day for his family, one of my family members and a few of the people I met in the program I joined to battle my disease. We will be accompanied by our 2 cats and dog. It's looking to be a great holiday season.
All these years, like many, I always felt on some level that this was a commercial holiday mainly because I could no longer feel. That no longer is the case. Furthermore, we often hear that Christmas is for kids. The child in me has be awakened and freed and she's going to have the best Christmas ever. Best wishes to all….
© Micheline's Put-In
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