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The Galloping Geezer
Jack Downey ~ The Galloping Geezer

"Photo Credit to Julie Ann Biggs out on the Mekong River, Cambodia Vietnam Border."

Jack Downey Comments on Canadian Issues to Inform and Amuse.




Cops and Robbers



Calgary Peace Officer               The Accused


My generation was taught to respect and rely on all male Police Officers. There was no such thing as a female employed in 'Keeping the Peace.' A woman packing a 9 mm Glock semi-automatic pistol, hand cuffs, and other pacifying gear was inconceivable in Calgary, Alberta or any other Canadian jurisdictions when I grew up. Recently the inconceivable became reality for me . Not only a woman, but a Black Pulchritude¹ Lady Police Officer came to the rescue of this old Geezer in distress.

Back Ground and Probable Motive
Let me outline the heinous crime committed and how the long arm of the law reached out and collared a rogue Fella checking out the Chicks at Starbucks. Now you must know Fella is a working dog trained only for looking after me. He has a built-in Chick Magnet ², also he is handsome, charming and friendly and likes women to rub his belly. He is always well groomed and therein lies the motive for the crime.

Fella has two steady girl friends, Michelle and Brandy the young exercise girl. When Michelle comes home, to our joint residences each evening, she brushes Fella 'til his coat is as shinny as a new nickel. Once a week he is showered and shampooed 'til he smells like a Piccadilly Pimp. He dotes on Michelle and Brandy, but works for me. Unbeknownst to us he is also, like all males, a jealous and vengeful rascal.

The Scene of the Crime.
Michelle's 83 yr old Mom, Blanche, came on a visit from Flatland Saskatchewan. They are very close and Michelle did Blanche's hair for her most every day. Fella was not pleased when Mom got groomed and he did not get his usual long turn. He showed his distain by ignoring Blanche and Michelle. He was pouting like a three year-old child. Since none of us paid attention to his pouting, Fella decided to become proactive. Like a low down thug, he snuck into Michelle's living area and quietly peed on the rug in her office, then hustled upstairs and played the Joe Innocent role with me. The next morning Michelle stepped on the wet rug in her bare feet and let out a Flatlander screech, which sent Fella into my room, slithering under the bed, where he stayed hunkered down until Michelle went out the door to work. I, knowing not what had happened, was perplexed as Fellah strutted around all day… until Michelle came home.

A Summary trial was held and Fella was found guilty as charged by Blanche as the Beak² with Michelle the jury. He was sentenced to a stern admonishment and all treats suspended for three days.

The Long Arm of the Law.
As a retired Geezer, I like to go Starbuckeling³ two or three times a week. Although Fella is a Himalayan Mountain Rescue "working dog®" schooled in Katmandu and is allowed in any store, we prefer to take our Vente` Latte` outside at the small side walk tables, weather permitting. When "at work" he sits by my left knee or lies down at my left side. If any one comes too close to me he goes on "the alert", tail and ears up, with constant focus on the stranger. When told "it's OK" he allows others to come near us, no snarling etc. You just know we are not to be trifled with. OK turns the alert working dog into a loving puppy. Enter the pulchritudinous¹ Black Female Calgary Peace Officer. As she approaches, Fella does not "go on the alert" and she asks permission to touch him. When this is granted, she bends over to pet him and Fella knows his "Chick Magnetizer" is on full power. The Constable remarks on what a fine, handsome, well-behaved dog Fella is. I disagree and, after telling her the "WET RUG" story, ask her to give him a ticket for Public Mischief. The officer stands up and begin to grill me on the details of the Wet Rug Caper, as she calls it:

Q. Did you personally see Fella void on the rug? A. No.
Q. Did the two lady Flatlanders see the accused void? A. Not to my knowledge.
Q. Did you save any of the urine for DNA analysis? A. No unless there is some left between Michelle's toes.
Q. Is the lady Blanche Flatlander a qualified Judge? A. She raised three kids and should know the difference between Pee and Root beer.
Q. Did she raise the three pee-ers in the Alberta Jurisdictions? A. Not as far as I know they mostly pissed around in Saskatchewan.

Whereupon she concluded, "Well sir, you will return any treats confiscated from Fella because you have no proof that this well trained Mountain Rescue Dog would seek revenge for his lack of grooming by Michelle. Unless Michelle can provide DNA pee sample evidence from between her toes, Fella is innocent until proven guilty.

"Now sir I will have to give you a warning citation for giving unsubstantive evidence to a Peace Officer and a second one for smoking in a public place. The next time it will be $400.00 fine. Good day sir, and enjoy your Starbuckle. Fellow, any time you quit working for the Geezer you can live with me and become a Police Dog!"

Driving home I was terrified of committing a traffic violation and that Peace Officer pulling me over. She'd have sent me down for 10 years at Hard Labor in Kingston pen'.

1. Main Entry: pul·chri·tude
Pronunciation: 'p&l-kr&-"tüd,
-"tyüd
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English,
from Latin pulchritudin-, pulchritudo, from pulchr-,
pulcher beautiful: physical comeliness- pul·chri·tu·di·nous
/"p&l-kr&-'tüd-n&s, -'tyüd-; -'tü-d&n-&s, -'tyü-/
adjective

2. Beak- Judges or Magistrate.

Main Entry: mag·ne·tize
Pronunciation: 'mag-n&-"tIz
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -tized; -tiz·ing
1 : to induce magnetic properties in
2 : to attract like a magnet : CHARM
- mag·ne·tiz·able /-"tI-z&-b&l/ adjective
- mag·ne·tiz·er noun

® Working Dogs assist the Blind
Those with Arm Disability
The Deaf
Those with Leg Disabilities.

³ Go to Starbucks @90th and McLeod Trail Calgary for coffee and socializing.



Music: Frankie and Johnny
Words and Music by The Leighton Brothers and Ren Shields 1912


Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts, oh lordy how they could love
They promised to be true to each other, just as long as there were skies above
He was her man, and wouldn't do her wrong

Johnny said "I'm gonna leave you, I won't be gone very long
You wait right here honey, don'cha ya worry none while I'm gone
I am your man, and wouldn't do you wrong

Frankie went down to the barroom, she went for a bucket of beer
"Hey there Mr. Bartender has my lovin' Johnny been here
He is my man and wouldn't do me wrong"

"Well I wouldn't want to cause you no trouble, but I ain't gonna tell you a lie
Johnny left here about a minute ago with that lowdown Nelly Bly
He is your man, but he's been doin' you wrong"

Frankie went lookin' for Johnny, she didn't do it for fun
She sneaked right up behind the Sheriff, and pinched his forty four gun
He was her man and he was doin' her wrong

Johnny he grabbed off his Stetson, "Oh lordy don't shoot"
But Frankie had her finger on the trigger, and the gun went rooty toot toot
She shot him down, 'cause he was doin' her wrong

"Roll me over easy, roll me over so slow
"Roll me over on my left side, 'cause the bullet hurts me so
"I was your man, but I was doin' you wrong"

Frankie ran over to Johnny, she knelt down on her knees
Oh lover forgive me, forgive me if you please
'cause you were my man but you were doin' me wrong

This story got no moral, this story got no end
It only goes to show you, that there ain't no good in men
He was my dawg and he was doin' Michelle wrong




© Jack C. Downey CD 2004





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