Last Night I Dreamt I Died and I wasn't Ready To Go!


Death, as I see it: click here
Death, as my old Campanaro, Dangerous Dave, sees it: click here

When you get to be a Geezer, your mortality becomes a personal concern. You start reading the Obits to see which of your acquaintances have jumped on the Midnight Flyer that is bound for Glory. You spend a lot of time deciding who should get what items of Junk you have collected over the years. You keep your eyes peeled for ways to beat the Ghoul Taxes placed on your estate. The Aztecs called this stage of life 'the Time of Never, i.e. I NEVER puffed like this before, climbing stairs. I NEVER was tired after a few hours work etc.

My old Campanaro, Dangerous Dave is a few years older than I am. He religiously reads the Obits and alerts the Regimental survivors of the demise of old Comrades. He shines up his medals, attends the funeral,s and comforts the Widows. Whenever my phone rings and it's Dave, I shudder, thinking he's going to say "it's your turn in the box Jack."

I never thought much about dying until I had a dream that showed me I am not ready. We have certain responsibilities to our Kin and Society. If we Elders did not die, there would be a large herd of grumpy old Geezers ogling the young Chicks and Blue haired ladies checking out the Gigolos down at the Mall. Another serious concern is that all those Ghouls down at the Funeral Parlors and Crematoria would be out of work unless these were converted to Pizza joints and Irish Pubs. In short, I believe it my Civic Duty to croak in a timely, orderly fashion.

Dave spends a fair amount of his time writing and rewriting his own Eulogy and Obit. He is much better prepared to croak then I am. One problem Dave will have to face is the Eulogy he has written himself. Personal Eulogies are discouraged. They are thought of as "a voice from the grave." They are biased and not objective and can be very hurtful. Funerals are a formalized ceremony to celebrate the end of a life's primary stage on earth, but Dave will be Dave.

A major concern in my dream was how to notify my few but important male friends and the old girlfriends I hold so dear in my memories. During the immediate period after death, and especially if it is sudden, writing an Obit is difficult. It is easy to hurt a relative by an honest omission. As an aside, the charges for an Obit will rot your socks. (so keep it brief!).

The answer came to me in a flash! O- Mail! Here is a new computer business that can be a real moneymaker if organized in a discretionary manner. A Web Site would be set up to write and store Obituaries. You would feed in the advance information you want given out about you and your family. The Obit writers would flesh it out and exaggerate how kind, loving and responsible you were in life. This would have a flat fee per word. . If updating is required a $20.00 yearly charge would be levied. This update charge would have the added benefit of encouraging users of the service to die whilst their Obit was current.

Obit-Mail has a good business potential. If you provide the material for the Obit AND a list of E-mail coordinates of all your friends, old girlfriends and associates, you're organized. If you're sharp, you could even have your Obit sent out on a Blue Mt., or Yahoo greeting card. You could attach music, a personal photo, and even voice, if you want to give your own eulogy like Dangerous Dave.

On your demise, the Next of Kin would instruct the "Obiters" to go into action. They would enter your code into the O-mail sender and, Zap!, the selected Newspaper gets the Obit and at the same time the folks you count as important, in and out of town, have time to press their black suit or frock. It also gives them enough time to rush over to your residence and put the snatch on items they have admired over the years.

While your survivors are busy looting your estate, your Obit could get sloppy. Searching for the Will and any loose cash gets priority over Obits and Funerals. You can prearrange your funeral (mine's cheap and cheerful) so that, with the prearranged Obit in place, the survivors can get on with organizing the Wake and the Garage sale to sell off what ever remains, and be one jump a head of the Tax man.

One requires a day or so warning to square up thing around the house before going with the Grim Reaper. All men are voyeurs, so the Girlie Magazines should be turfed out. There may be one or two ex sweethearts you would like to say a personal farewell too. You may want one last real THICK Banana milkshake. And, for sure, hug the Kids and Grandkids before you go!

You might be able to do the whole funeral by E-mail and avoid the GSTax. But give every thing you can away while alive. Downsize every thing you can. All the "THINGS" you have in life need dusting etc. Money locked in Education fund for Grandkids is a fine investment. If you can afford it, perhaps a family trip to a exotic tropical place or, for a real adventure, go on a tour of Baffin Island with someone you want to cuddle with.

Ready or not, we are all going to die eventually. All religions promise it as a "Heaven - Paradise." So get that milkshake and hugs today. The next time you wake up it may not be a dream or maybe Dave will call and say "It's your turn TODAY!" You can meet death (or Dave) face-to-face and spit in his eye. Don't be afraid to see what's next.

I'm getting close to being ready. My Will is current, Taxes are paid, and Funeral arrangements made, but no damned Obit is written. Where is that entrepreneur who can cobble something together that will fool the folks who read Obits every day and are happy not seeing their own names listed?.

In my town we die alphabetically, so it is easy to find out if you're dead (Just look in the Obits).

Jack C. Downey CD
Send comments to: Jack

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