Cannibalism is OK if You Eat a Friend


Almost every culture has been suspected of practicing Cannibalism early in its development. Albeit to a lesser degree, cannibalism still exists today. At the price of beef, who could blame farmers for raising humans with four arms. I know that, at Christmas and other festivities, listening to the eternal fight over two 'Drumsticks' is ever so tiring.


#7 by Martin Heitshu

North Americans turn up their noses at a good roast of 'Long Pig.'(South Sea Islands Cannibals' name for human meat, as it taste like wild pig). The Aztecs, and other early Mongols in North America, supplemented their diets with, or ritualized, the consumption of human flesh. The origin of the word Mongol means "Brave", or more exactly, "Warrior", suggesting that the nomadic bands spread up and down throughout Canada and the USA were Asian food hunters and gatherers of prodigal abilities. The expert researchers into these cultures have shown us that cannibalism was not unknown amongst the northern bands. With them, however, cannibalism was more a ritual than a source of protein. The, approximately 25 million, Central American Aztecs, were farmers, traders and warriors. Cannibalism was common with in the Aztec society, but the peasants were not included in these Long Pig feasts. Relating things to the price of meat today, one can understand this exclusion. The Aztecs consumed just the limbs. The heads and torsos were given to the occupants in their menageries and the offal used in their floating gardens as fertilizer (source: Gary Jennings' novel, Aztec.)

I have eaten Cobra, Dog, Anteater snout, Pig ears, Barking Deer, Monkey Brains, Rats, bats, and alley cats, but I've never tried Unicorn (or Long Pig, knowingly). A host of other exotic dishes have also graced my table. One soon learns not to ask, "what's for Grits", in the many far places I have traveled. In Mexico I ate in a backcountry restaurant with my wife. The place was so dirty the flies wouldn't eat there! The appetizer with the cold Cervassa was corn batter covered Grasshoppers, deep-fried in lard. I never told my wife what they were and she thought them to be delicious. My point being, if we legalize breeding humans for meat, we could empty our prisons of misfits and sell them off for Bar-B-Queuing. Office parties could be held to say goodbye to the 'Office Creep' and he/she would be the main course. Martin Heitshu's painting, above, shows how forward thinking they are in Montreal. The extra set of arms would be of great value on the assembly line at Bombardier. When there was a lay off you would have a great meat product to sell to the American Tourists visiting the restaurants in 'Old Quebec. ' We would need to dream up a fancy name in French to impress the Yanks. Something like "Le Gros Anglo Cochon a la Toronto avec Pommes Frits" should drag those Yanks in by the by "the arm full." Pun intended.

Since I have the feeling some of you might doubt my veracity or even my sanity, I will prove that my historical knowledge of cannibalism justifies my attempt to lower food prices and reduce the over population of the Planet Earth.

Cannibalism could and should become the sixth Horseman of the Apocalypse. Why not? My weekly grocery bill right now is approaching apocalyptic dimensions. The lady next door had better keep her eye on her Beagle, Daniel. Danny is getting near prime for my next Deck Party. That's enough slathering over food. Let's get some facts together on North American CANNIBALISM.

Let's start with the Aztecs.


#109 Martin Heitshu ~ Huitzilopochtli

Huitzilopochtli, Aztec patron god and god of war, generally was the provider of the Prisoners of War that were sacrificed on the great pyramids by having their hearts torn out while still living. The corpses were rolled down the pyramid's stairs, at the bottom of which, the Butchers with flint knives waited. The body parts were distributed in a controlled manner. The tastiest parts went to the nobility. Other parts went to the houses of the rich. Unless there was an excess of prisoners, the city lower class got only scraps. The peasants in the country seldom if ever got any human meat. The menagerie feeding came before the peasants. The menagerie housed human anomalies as well as strange animals from North and South America.

To learn more then you'll probably ever need to or want to know about Cannibalism in the Aztec world. Go to here

The West Coast Aboriginals, in what is now British Columbia, Washington and Oregon had their own ritual Cannibalism practices. When there was a need to placate the spirits, a slave (yes they had slaves) would be killed, cooked, and eaten during a complex ceremony.

Years ago, my two sons and I were digging in a Indian Midden (Native village dump), located at the north west corner of the Ladner BC Golf course, when my youngest son sang out "Hey I found a Cantaloupe!" There among the large amounts of seashells, roots, broken stone tools, and other ancient trash was a round rusty orange object. Removing it carefully, we found it to be a complete human skull. There were no other bones with it, so there was a very high probability that this chap was part of an early Surf and Turf West Coast dinner party.

In eastern Canada the Six Nations, which included the Iroquois, had ritual cannibalism to gather bravery from a vanquished foe. It was sort of like installing more RAM in your PC. Although they did have slaves captured in battle, most often the raiding party was involved in a hit and run sortie. Captured enemy was normally just tomahawked and the Iroquois went on about their business. If a particularly brave person was captured they were tortured by (one method) being burnt at the stake. Fr. Brebruf at St. Marie was so brave during his martyrdom that the Iroquois cut out and ate his heart. The women back at the home village carried out other methods of torture.

There are sure to be Whaling Ships crews, Arctic explorer,s and perhaps the odd Eskimo, who have survived by eating human flesh. We know that today there are groups of people that cook and eat birth placenta, which is technically cannibalism. We all remember the Soccer Club plane crash in the Andes, where they ate their teammates. The Donner party snowed in up in the Sierra Nevada Mt. in the USA had to survive the winter on Long Pig.

Civilization frowns very severely on cannibalism, but thinks nothing of eating Wieners or Bologna sandwiches, There is no accounting for taste!

You can get a great book from www.Amazon.com as shown below on Colonial Cannibalism. I did not find any good recipes in it and www.foodnetwork.com are not responding or being very forthcoming. I thought 'Emril Live' could add a little BAM to "Long Pig" or as they say in Montreal le Gros Anglo Cochon a la Toronto. But apparently the USA is not bilingual.

Excerpt from 'Cannibalism and the Colonial World' tells of a group of English gentlemen during King Henry the VIII time that came to The Rock (AKA) Newfoundland and could find no grub, so the eats each other up! Can you himagine a plate of boiled Limy wid out deh Chips. I suppose dats where the dish called "Bubble and Squeak" got hits name.

Jack C. Downey CD
Send comments to: Jack

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