The Stools that Bind Us
Prologue

A large number of my rural readers' (i.e. two) in Toronto complained that The Hole in the Ozone yarn was too long for winter reading in the Ontario Outhouse and they froze their butts off. The Privy/Crapper/John/Loo/Outhouse/Convenience/Little Girls' or Boys', room for the cutesies, has long been a place of Eastern Canadian Primary Education, what with the Sears/Eaton's catalogues being used for passing the time and personal hygiene. To show how I value my Eastern Rural Readers, I have rounded off "The Hole in the Ozone" with a story of The Stools that Bind Us. You may settle down in the Outhouse like a bird on the nest, dear Eastern Readers, and I'll get down to some serious Western educational business for your edification!

The Stools that Bind Us
Do you remember how, in the hospital, that Nurse would come around when you had a room full of visitors and ask "Have you had a Bowel movement today?" 'Seems this was an important part of our Health Care System or perhaps a matter of life and death for 'that Nurse'.

As a very young child, your Momma would jerk down your diaper and put you on that freezing toilet seat for what seemed like forever. If you 'had a bowel movement' it was a time of great jubilation for all the family. Friends, visitors, and even complete strangers, near and far, were told of your success. You would be so proud and would go around smiling, like a Skunk having an affair with an After Shave lotion bottle, for the rest of the day. You had passed another major milestone in life; you now had got your poop with the group.

This natural by-product is a spreader of disease, is a fertilizer, is used (in the case of Bat guano) to control the rate of burning of artillery shell propellant, is spoken of crudely in our slang and curses, and is a host of other things we'll examine today. Our first problem is to list the words used to identify our waste product. Crap, Poop, Ca Ca, Doo Doo, dump, your business, Bowel movement, waste, manure and of course the "S" word. The elimination of waste is natural and common to all living creatures on our planet, most machines, and especially Computers, where manure goes in and other manure comes out the same way. When we overpopulate we not only consume all the food available, but we ruin the land and then our humane waste brings on the "four horsemen of the Apocalypse".

The population of India is enormous. If the people of India had the same number of flush toilets per capita that we have, they could flush their toilets once only and all the water of India would be gone. Imagine the sewage disposal problem they must have! It is a huge problem facing the world. Even in sparsely populated Canada we are polluting our massive amounts of ground and surface water to the extent that we have to boil our water before drinking! People wander around with a water bottle in their hand. In my lifetime you could drink out of any mountain stream or river, but no more and maybe never again.

China and Japan and most of Asia have very serious problems as well. They use their 'Night Soil' as fertilizer, which eventually fouls their drinking water. ~Catch 22~. If you go to this Web site and observe the population density you will see there is a great deal of Night Soil (AKA crap) being produced. We, as a world are in deep Doo Doo!


See Earth Lights

Satellite night photo of Earth, you can scroll across and up and down to see population density with your arrow keys.

As you observe the Earth from space, whereever you see lights there are waste problems. In your mind's eye, superimpose the lakes and rivers in these populated areas and their down stream areas for 100-200 miles per major centre and you will get some idea of the problem of human waste. Imagine another area along the coastline deltas where the ocean is polluted in a fan shape for several hundred miles off shore. This is scary!


And what's the first thing every kid does when entering a swimming pool?

Odds and Ends of Crap

• Mr. Crapper in England invented the Toilet as we know it and he is buried in Westminster Abby for this great service to his country and the world.
• A pinch of the victim's waste is needed for casting an extremely powerful Voodoo curse.
• When India outlawed the Caste system, the 'Untouchables' refused to clean up human waste, hence India's/Nepal's horrendous health problems.
• The sacred cow of India provides more than milk to their owners. Cow dung is immediately scooped up by hand made into a pancake like item, slapped on the wall and when it dries, falls off and is used as 'fire wood'
• Cow dung is used as plaster binder in mud buildings across the world.
• Until recently, more soldiers the world over were killed by diseases caused by human waste, than by bullets.
• Irish prisoners, when in revolt, spread their feces on their cell walls. This ploy often gets them what they want as the hygiene threat is really 'Germ Warfare" at its most basic level.
• Many countries use human waste as food fertilizer. Do not drink their water, or use their ice. Brush your teeth with Mouthwash or Vodka.
• In far away places, the washing of fruit and vegetables that are not cooked is absolutely necessary. Permanganate of potash or a strong Chlorine bleach rinse solution can save your life.
• Camel droppings are so dry the can be used at once in the desert fire.
• In some Far Eastern jails, convicts are kept in cells with high wire mesh ceiling where real chickens walk about dropping crap on the prisoners. Chicken manure is called a hot fertilizer because of the high nitrogen content. It burns all the body hair off the offenders and blisters the skin. Did I say they only have a loincloth and it is of little protection? Repeat offenders are rare!
• Natives on the Great Plains burned sun dried buffalo droppings (Buffalo Chips) for cooking and heating.
• In National parks here and in USA, packaged dried, epoxy-coated Buffalo, Elk, and Deer droppings are sold to tourists as souvenirs, proving BT Barnum's axiom "There's a Sucker born every minute."
• An English Lord came to Canada and hired a local Aborigine as a hunting guide. The Lord was one of the 'Kippers' that knew it all and kept asking the guide to identify the flora and, when given the common name, would come back with the Latin name. Well, along the trail the Lord ask the guide (in honest ignorance - a European Hare has different droppings then our Snowshoe Rabbit) 'what are those?' The guide replied "Smartening Up pills your Lordship, try one." The Lord picked one up ate it and said "they taste like rabbit turds!" The guide then said "See you are smartening up already!" (or so the urban legend goes)
• The French army issues a combined toilet and writing paper to their service men and women. One side smooth to write home on, the other side rough for personal use.
• In pioneer days corncobs were used as toilet paper is used today. Hence the expressions "He's a rough old cob." or "He's not a bad old cob." ( never used with she)
• My city and many others have huge trucks that load up with processed sewage sludge, drive out to farms (down stream from us) and inject this sewage into the farmer's fields. It is also used in parks. The sewage plant treatment sterilizes every thing, but tomato seeds and used condoms have to be manually raked up.
• China is far a head of us in some respects when it comes to Crap Control. Some villages have great clay pots full of sewage and silage which produces methane gas, which through low pressure plastic hoses is used to heat and light their homes. The remaining sludge is a germ free fertilizer.
• Toronto gathers and sells their Zoo animals scat. It is sold as "Zoo Poo." Only those Eastern City Slickers would turn animal droppings into Loonies jingling in their Jeans!
• The Zoo in LA sells their Zoo- Poo as "Exotic Animal Manure for (wait for the clangor to drop...) your exotic plants!" You want BS, you just bought a bag full Bubba!
• In Europe our quality of toilet paper is bought in Book Stores! It's a luxury item there.
• In communist countries, a rough paper is cut to different sizes, one for Nose tissue, another for Toilet tissue, and yet another for paper towelling. It has pieces of bark, large holes, and straw in it, but it works more or less as well as a corn cob.
• The Bidet is the great invention that never caught on in North America.

Hear here at work!

A woman's work is never done.
Now I have to quit farting around here and use Mr. Crapper's convenience and then go pick up a Motorcycle with a sidecar my son cannot live without. My Rural Ontario Readers can now get off their rumps and spread the fertilizers 'cause SPRING IS HERE~ Finally! and it's now time to get our crap together and make the flowers grow.
PS Organic food is grown with some kind of waste, either animal or human, Bon Appetite!

Zoo Poo for your Exotic Plants ~ and you never believed it! A 50 kilo bag will grow a thousand Red Roses....Sorry:Not available on line.


And that's no BS Cowboy!

PS If you think I'm full of it, remember I have been to and seen the strange world of human and animal Dung first hand! I have spread more than my fair share of BS. I have a Ph.D. in Crapology from my Alma Mater, University of What's Happening Next (ole UWHN)



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