| New Year's Revolutions
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New Year's Restitutions |
| Through out time men and women have spoken to their many Gods and Goddesses about how they plan to improve themselves. Promises are made in the hope that the Deities will bestow special favors upon the promiser. |
Throughout time the Gods and Goddesses have attempted to help mortals achieve their desires |
| Somehow, neither side has meet the expectations of the other. |
| I promise to be on time for work every day in the next year. |
Granted, you will arise at 0400 hours daily and be as bright as a button, until work ends at 1700 hours. |
| I promise to lose weight by going on a strict diet. |
Granted, you will have an overwhelming craving for broccoli and celery. |
| I promise to stop drinking beer or other alcoholic beverages. |
Granted, your lips will be instantly glued shut on entry to any Bar or Saloon. |
| I promise to remember to put the toilet seat down when finished. |
Granted, you will have your very own out door toilet. |
| I promise not to break wind at future social occasions. |
Granted, your methane gas will blow you out the window, if any one else is in the room when you break wind. |
| I ask for help to keep Road Rage under control |
Granted, you will ram your own finger up your own nose during any attack of Road Rage. |
| I promise not to spread any gossip or tell rude stories at the office. |
Granted, you will be mute. |
| Help me to be ready on time for a date or party. |
Granted, you will be welcome at any party or any date in the nude. |
| Help me to stop biting my nails. |
Granted, your teeth will fall out. |
| Help me to get even with my worst enemy. |
Granted, you will be married to him or her on St. Valentine's day. |
| Let me win the Lotto and I will help the less fortunate. |
Granted, you will win the March Lotto and all your relatives and friends will want a share as they are less fortunate. |
| Let me be loved by my family. |
Now that you have won the Lotto this request is superfluous. |
| I promise to quit smoking. |
Granted, you will be sentenced to 6 months in a "Smoke Free" Penal Institution. |
| I promise to never act silly at a party again. |
Granted, you will not be invited to any more parties. |
| I want to become a Sex symbol. |
Granted, an unlimited supply of Viagra will replace your morning cereal. |
| Let me meet one honest politician. |
Not granted, none are available for public display. |
| Let me spend more time with my family. |
Granted, you and your family will be living in an Igloo on the northern tip of Baffin Island for the next year. |
| Let me be free of people who ask me what my New Year'' Resolution is and then tell me theirs. |
Granted, you will be locked in your bedroom closet from January 01 to January 15 with nothing but Viagra, broccoli and celery to eat. That should take care of all your major problems until 2003. You wanted to be a thin, horny, rich mortal |
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Have you thought of your partner, kids, dogs, family and friends who may like you just the way you are? Their New Year RESOLUTION may be to try to be just like you!
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New Year's Revolutions & Restitutions
